Hard Day

I did not get much sleep last night. It has been 9 years and every time Easter comes up I go through this, but not as bad as this year. For those who do not know, my dad passed away n Easter day. I know Easter is not on the same day every year but it still bothers me as it was Easter day the year he passed away.
All I could see last night, every time I closed my eyes is dad with the oxygen mask on gasping for those last 4 breaths, and the fifth breath he took as he passed away coming back out into the mask.
I have held the tears in for 9 years now, and yes I mean I did not break down entirely until now. Here it is a holiday and poor hubby. I have spent the day doing nothing but crying my eyes out. I was ok until I came out to the living room and looked at his picture on the wall. My knees went out from under me and I sat on floor and cried and cried. Randy is trying to help but I told him I don't think he can help me. I feel like I am completely losing it here. My eyes are so swollen I look like someone beat me. I feel like I am going crazy right now. I just want to be in a closed room by myself and never come out.
Thought this would make me feel better to write down my feelings but not so far it isn't. Think I am making it worse. Did you ever get the feeling you would just like to end it all and just go and be with someone you lost? Confused, yes and better go for now. This is not making any sense.